Time travel and global warming

Thinking about thinking

The 2007 Nobel Peace Prize was recently awarded, jointly, to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change and Al Gore. The award was given in recognition of the effort to spread knowledge about climate change. To learn more about this controversial and important issue, I knew my research would need to be unconventional.
Without a moment hesitation, I fired up my hybrid time machine and embarked on an epic adventure to get the down low on global warming and possible solutions. Who better to ask than those great minds and influential leaders of our past?
Of course, I made my first stop ancient Greece; an appointment with the man often noted as the father of western thought. In typical form, Plato replied, “Global warming is not the worst that can happen to men.” Aristotle was only slightly more helpful. He said, “The gods too are fond of a joke, but global warming isn’t very funny.”
Without any tangible solutions from ancient Greece, I decided to hop, skip and jump forward in time to visit my other favorite philosophers. I found Descartes sitting in a leather armchair in his study. When asked for his thoughts on global warming he replied, “I think the earth is warming, therefore it is.” Nietzsche only forcefully grumbled, “Global warming is dead.”
In hopes of finding a solution, I revved up my time machine once again. Shakespeare lamented, “I wasted resources and now doth my resources waste me.” Emerson was certain, “The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of global warming.”
It seems that the issue of global warming falls into the hands of us all. However, little can be accomplished if world leaders are not engaged. With this in mind, I decided to ask past American presidents for their perspective. Thomas Jefferson said, “When in the course of human events it is no longer possible to live with global warming it becomes necessary for a people to remove global warming from their society.”
Jumping back into my time machine I arrived in the 20th century to talk with John F. Kennedy. His advice, “Ask not what you can do for global warming, but what global warming can do for you.” Franklin D. Roosevelt explained, “We have nothing to fear but global warming itself.”
Nixon declined to comment. Storming away I heard him exclaim, “I am not a dirty polluter.” When I arrived to talk with Reagan he was in the middle of a speech. “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Seeing me in the audience he added, “And use it to seed a coral reef in the Caribbean.”
At that moment I thought, when the future of the entire world is at stake, the megalomaniacs of the past will certainly have an opinion. Hitler was adamant, “We need to stop global warming or it will conquer the world before we do.” Napoleon was busy, but took a moment to say, “Global warming is a set of lies agreed upon.”
Ironically, my time was running out. With desperation, I punched the random time travel button. Gandhi said, “Whatever you do about global warming will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” Benjamin Franklin commented, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes and global warming.” Martin Luther’s solution, “Pray and let God worry about global warming.”
Back in 2007 once again, I felt there was still insight to be found. In an unprecedented feat of diplomacy and plot levering I convinced George Bush, Tony Blair and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to meet me at Boxers in Huntingdon. As we waited for President Bush and former Prime Minister Blair, I sipped a beer. Ahmadinejad said, “In Iran we don’t have global warming like in your country. Iran emits no CO2. I don’t know who told you that.” He promptly got up and left.
Sadly, my other two guests never arrived. It looked like I was on my own. The words of Einstein came to mind. “Do not worry about your difficulties with global warming, I assure you that mine are still greater.” It was late in the day, the sun had set, I could only finish my beer and begin the walk home.

*Ryan Hamilton
- From November 30 issue of Juniatian